Sometimes when I am very busy and get into a (painful at times) groove of working like a maniac I lose sight of my own health or the level of effort I am putting into something, which may or may not be exploitive.

Then I find myself at the point of being overwhelmed by work and I have to ask myself - What part of what is overwhelming me is something I brought on myself and if so, how can I take responsibility for having undertaken too much.

I am learning though that I also ought ask; what part of what is causing me painful stress is the result of a lack of support/ miscommunication between my employers and I.

Usually when I have to do the nervous exhaustion inventory it turns out I am the wanker who has taken on too much. This time around I am feeling a little like the responsibility for the state I am in could reasonably be shared between myself and my employer.

In the research I am doing on freelancers one of the major points being made about the negative effects of freelance labour is that they have no support network at work, because essentially whatever work they do gets grafted onto existing company structures.

I am certainly experiencing that at the library where the circulation desk staff still to a large degree don't know my name. This isn't to say the whole place has rejected me, far from it, people have been exceptionally nice and understanding and have tried to accommodate the needs of a new program, and a new person when they have understood those needs.

The problem seems to be that since I am not really a staff member (Thus not at staff meetings for example, where peoples needs are met and discussed.) and the program has been added as an additional project to the libraries existing mandate there is no institutionalized system where I have agency or power within the libraries systems of communication.

I am an outsider which makes me feel a/ bad and b/ like I am working mostly alone to manage a team of between 6 - 20 staff and volunteers, a program that comprises 5 workshops, a final event, and also fund-raising. On TWO PAID DAYS A WEEK. which says nothing about the extra hours I spend emailing/thinking/meeting and preparing outside of those two days.

So sometimes to take stock I have to answer simple questions. Especially when my feelings about my job are complicated by the desire to do the work, the desire to excel and to provide a service I think is important to downtown Montreal's communities.

Taking stock:

- How many times have I burst into tears this week. Or at least had that bad teary feeling in my throat?

- How many times have I had the tears/had teary feeling about work?

- Can I realistically blame just myself for those tears every time? Are there places I can look to for more support to help make sure I no longer feel like crying about work?

The good news about these kinds of questions. Which often sadly result in depressing answers is that there are associated "restorative questions" I have to ask next;

- What do I need from my employers in order to continue fulfilling our project goals and deadlines without further harm to my life, happiness and health?

- How can I ask for what I need?

- When is the appropriate point to make those demands?

I think I have answers to the bottom three, which means that as of next week something in the balance of my working life will have shifted, hopefully for the better.

I just heard Ozzy Ozborne singing "No More Tears" in my head as I wrote that last sentence. And yes I did just finish weeping. It's that bad.